I'm Still Here
by rainismysunshine
Summary: No one knows what it's like to be the bad man, to be the sad man behind blue eyes... AxI. Sorry for OOC-ness.


**A/N: Be warned… Very OOC**

She knew she shouldn't have said it, and even to this moment she didn't know exactly why she did

She knew she shouldn't have said it, and even to this moment she didn't know exactly why she did. She just didn't think he would react so harshly.

"So I guess I was right, then…" she mumbled to no one, the pain in her chest throbbing. She knew why she had said it. If she was completely honest, it was because she wanted to see if he would comfort her, embrace her, and hold her… What was she thinking? He was a monster. The only reason he had been faithful for so long was because of the stupid seals. She had half a mind to just die right on the spot. With that thought, she looked to the ground sadly.

'_No one would find me in time…'_ she thought sadly, _'And it's not like anyone would really miss me…'_

A large sigh escaped her lips as she walked onto her balcony and looked up to the skies.

"What am I to anyone?" she asked desperately, but her only response was a distant clap of thunder. In all honesty, this was the first night in her life that Integra wouldn't be frightened of a storm. Who knew that about her? Who knew her at all? Most people didn't even know she existed…her life was supposedly a fantasy book that high schoolers were required to read. What would happen if she just disappeared? She closed her eyes tightly as she walked onto the balcony once again. This time, freezing rain pierced her warm skin like a million tiny daggers as it nearly poured from the sky. A shiver began to form on her spine, but it never came to life. Integra was in a completely different world. She tried to imagine Alucard taking her blood or even just teasing her about doing so like he used to. Now it was all about that bloody police girl. Tears began to slide down Integra's face as she made her way to the balcony's edge. She didn't even have to make further plans. Her eyes still closed and arms still held out, she lifted one foot from the ledge and held it over the open air between her and the ground that rested fifty feet below. She then took one last breath before jumping from the ledge. She never opened her eyes, and as far as she knew, she was already dead. Relief ran over her that no one had tried to cease it. It hadn't even hurt. She wondered who would find her and where she would go next. She no longer truly believed in Heaven or Hell, so she surely wasn't going to either. Where she would end up wasn't really of her thoughts at the moment, though, for a dream had begun to play out. She heard voices in the distance, shrieking her name in desperation. She had been found, but it was too late. A chuckle built up in her throat, but was drowned by blood. That was when she first opened her eyes and realized she was alive. Seconds later, the world went black.

Integra Fairbrook Wingates Hellsing had never been a weak person. Even as a child, she had conquered her fears head-on. This was why Alucard found himself in such confusion. After sitting at her bedside for three days now, praying that she would awaken, Alucard was starting to really worry. He didn't understand how she could've fallen off the ledge unless she was drunk. He'd tried reading her thoughts a countless number of times, but there was almost some kind of barrier there now. Another odd thing he had noticed was that the seals had been weakening. He told himself, despite this fact, that his beautiful master would be absolutely fine. After getting to the point where he was starting to become skeptical, it was a relief to see her two azure-blue eyes flutter open. Alucard was on his feet faster than he could even smile. He bowed majestically in front of her before speaking the first words.

"Have you sustained any injuries, Sir Integra?" Alucard hoped that a blast from the past might open the block on her mind. Wait for a smile or movement, Alucard tried to meet her eyes, but he found that whenever he tried to get her attention, she blatantly ignored him. After a few minutes of this ridiculous cat and mouse, Alucard cupped her chin so that she could no longer turn away. Trying to withhold his anger, he spoke his sentence very slowly.

"I saved your life and you ignore me?" he asked, crimson eyes glowing like a satanic fire.

"What if…I…didn't…want…to…be…saved…?" she finally managed to rasp at him. Alucard froze. She didn't want to be saved? What the hell was that supposed to mean?

"How did you fall?" he asked anxiously. This one had been gnawing at his mind for a while now.

"I…didn't," she rasped again, looking at him as if the answer had been obvious. He knitted his brow in confusion, showing her that he obviously didn't understand.

"I…jumped,"she rasped in a satisfied tone as a sadistic smile spread across her face. That was when it truly sank in for the vampire. His master had jumped. She had attempted her own death.

Since Integra's attempted suicide, things around the Hellsing Manor had changed drastically. Since Walter was no longer with them, Alucard had basically been forced to take care of his master. The task would have actually please him had it not been for the fact that he was so angry at Integra. She had been acting really hedonistic lately, and Alucard simply could not stand it. Why had she changed like this? He just didn't understand. One day it drove him to such a point of anger that he finally snapped.

"WHY CAN'T YOU SHUT UP FOR ONCE, INTEGRA?! God, even Seras doesn't whine this much…what happened to the strong woman I used to know?"

"She's lying right in front of you," Integra said plainly. Alucard growled.

"You are no one…" his voice hissed at her. With that, he stormed out of the room. Integra lifted herself to a sitting position before sighing with relief. She hadn't thought about everyone else the first time. She didn't want to hurt anybody, so she had decided to do whatever it took to separate herself from anyone who she meant anything to. Alucard had been the hardest person to piss off, but she had finally done it. Now no one would miss her, and she didn't have to worry about hurting anyone. It was about her own decisions now as well as about who she wanted to be. She decided to send Alucard on a mission that night so as to put her entire plan into action.

As soon as Alucard was gone, Integra did her best to quickly get to his room. Once she was down there, she sat in a corner, holding a pen and some paper. It was hard to write a letter saying goodbye to someone who meant the world to you, but Integra wasn't one to get all wrapped up in love. When the letter was finished, she headed back up the stairs, grabbing her letter opener from her office on the way to her room. At last, it was time to end this.

Alucard knew that something could not have been right. After all, why would Integra send him on a random mission in the middle of nowhere when there had been no recent vampire sightings to begin with? He sighed and headed back down to his secluded room. As soon as he walked in the door, a white envelope on his coffin caught his eye. It appeared to be a letter from his master. Confused, Alucard opened it quickly.

Dear Alucard,

I'm sorry that you had to put up with the likes of me for the past two weeks, but I didn't know what else to do to make you despise me. I really was grateful for you, Alucard. Don't ever think I wasn't. I love you more than you could ever know, but I do not believe this burden is mine any longer. Hate me. Hate me for what I've done to you and what I did to myself.

Love,

Integra

Alucard ran, faster than he ever had before. It made sense to him now, but he was afraid that it started making sense to him too late.

He dashed up the stairs vigorously, too panicked for teleportation, but his hopes too high for trudging. It felt to him as if he were in a slow-motion horror film as he reached the third floor and through his beautiful master's door open. She was there… all over the place.

The walls were spattered with her deep red blood, cold from leaving its warm vessel. The blood itself, or at least the drops that hadn't dried, pooled into thin sticky rivulets on the cold stone floor. It also dripped, Alucard noticed, from the billowy fabric covering the roof of her large bed. It dripped slowly onto her naked form, dying her skin. But that wasn't the worst part. Alucard saw, when he looked upon his master's lifeless form, that she had mutilated her own body previous to her death. From the looks of it, she had stabbed the letter opener all the way through her wrist to the other side of her arm. This had occurred on both wrists. A thin but obviously deep cut ran from the tip of her chin to her flat stomach. Within parts of it, Alucard could see the tips of her ribs, still in perfect tact. The mutilation continued to her thighs, which had been slashed open as if they were the letters that set atop her desk every day. Blood also leaked in a small amount from her womb, blending with the blood from her thighs to trickle down her legs. There were multiple stab wounds in her body as well, which explained why dried blood made its place from her nose and lips. All in all, the scene was a complete brutality, even for Alucard.

That had been his master. The one person he had loved. It was heart-wrenching for him to even think about.

He couldn't move, couldn't even release his built-up scream. His eyes wouldn't close or even look away, but he had to do something… and he wasn't letting her go to the afterlife alone. Moving as if the room were his own, Alucard opened a drawer and dug to the bottom. When his hand emerged, it contained Integra's lighter, the one she had always used. It only took a simple flick to light the curtains on fire and a short second to close the door. Alucard then made his final movements to gently lay himself beside his slain master. The only scene visible before the room was engulfed with the blistering, overpowering flames was Alucard's hand lying limp off the side of the bed and the silver lighter falling to the stone floor with a small clink.


End file.
